This is not a story for the weak-stomached.
I hate public transportation. Hate it. One day, I was on the bus on my way to work in New York, when the bus stopped. Buses do that. They stop. Hence the term "bus stop."
An elderly man gets on the bus and sits across the aisle from me. Now, keep in mind, the bus had only two other passengers, driver included. I was sitting towards the back of the bus, which is where I like to sit. I figure, I may have to talk on my phone, and I don't like sitting near people in general. Of all the other seats on the bus, this man chose to sit directly across from me. Weird? Yes.

Cut ahead twenty minutes. One or two other people had boarded the bus, of course sitting nowhere near me. The elderly man, who had probably lived for more than 60 years, looks around and then removes his sweatshirt, dropping it in his lap. Maybe the driver turned on the heat or something.
(The driver had NOT turned up the heat. Bear with me.)The elderly man drops his hand into his lap. At this point, I can't get my cell phone out fast enough, just in case. The elderly man starts massaging his "lap" with his hand. There's squeezing, there's rubbing, there's nausea.
(Again, nothing to do with the heat.)Meanwhile, I'm texting EVERYONE in my cell phone. "WTF, this man is rubbing himself next to me on the bus." Things like "When will death come for me?", etc.
Then I heard a zip.I get up, move to the middle of the bus, and say to another passenger "Ummm, the man at the back of the bus, he's...." The other passenger cut me off.
"Oh, yea him. He does that all the time."WHAT. THE. HELL.